Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Say Cheese Before You Die

I've been thinking about writing a murder mystery, called "Say Cheese Before You Die." It is about a young woman, a photographer, who discovers--too late--the man she married is abusive and violent. She wants to leave him but he threatens to hunt her down and kill her if she does. He has money and the means to track her. She's trapped, tortured, terrified.

She decides to kill him. Slowly. Little by little. Every day she takes another step toward murder, toward freedom. She attends cooking classes and learns to make cheese cake, macaroni and cheese, cheese sauce, cheese balls, cheese enchiladas, cheese fondue. She tosses feta over salads, melts cheddar into quiche, and grates Parmesan onto vegetables. Occasionally, for a change, she feeds him Fettuccine Alfredo, with garlic cheese bread, and serves a cheese crepe for dessert. All the while she claims she is vegan, eating only beans, rice, fruits and vegetables.

He never suspects anything while he dominates and exerts his power over her, but then one day he clutches his chest, gasps for breath, falls to the soft cream carpet, his eyes wide and vacant, one hand outstretched, fingers splayed as if he is reaching for one final cheese doodle.

She leans over and tucks a small photo album under him, containing pictures of him eating a cheese dog at the ball park, nachos at the Cinco de Mayo festival, cheese and crackers at the Art and Wine celebration. She strolls into the kitchen, scrubs the cheese grater clean, deletes all the cheese recipes from her hard drive, takes her packed suitcase from the closet in the extra bedroom, and shuffles out the back door to his Lexus.

At a sunny resort in Belize, she meets a lactose-intolerant retired detective who becomes suspicious when he learns her husband has just died and she is showing no signs of grief.

Anyone think this is a good book idea?

22 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Ha. I'd need to study up on which cheese recipe is the deadliest. I heard on the news that Fettuccine Alfredo is also known as "heart-attack-on-a-plate"

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  2. LOL. This could be totally hilarious, I mean, if that's the way you want to write it. I like it. Death by Cheese.

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    1. No way. I was totally serious about this. I could hear my blood struggling to get through my arteries after a potluck where everyone seemed to bring cheese dishes. It gave me the idea. ;)

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  3. I'm hooked! Would love to read a book like this!

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    1. Rosanne, you are too sweet. I'm thinking the sequel could be The Bacon Butcher Bake-Off.

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  4. This is hilarious. I fully support your cheese writing mission. :) By the way, did you take your camera into the supermarket to snap this picture? Did anyone think that was starnge? LOL.

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    1. Sophie,

      Oh THAT would have been fun. I didn't, but if I did, I'd want to do it in a different town.

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  5. Awesome!!! No cheese for me glad I went vegan :) First chapter by Thursday please!

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    1. Jars,

      I thought of you when I wrote that she was vegan. LOL

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  6. Being from and still living in WI, I find this particularly funny. Hard to get away from the Cheese here--even at Packer games!

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  7. Stacey,

    Maybe I can get some good...er...bad cheese recipes from you. And perhaps one of those awesome cheese hats.

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  8. Only one such dish would kill me. I hate all cheese.

    Make a note in case we are ever married.

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  9. Perry,

    Is there anything to which you are allergic? Just idle curiosity. Hugs. :) :) :)

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  10. Don't hug me if you've been eating cheese! :(

    Not actually allergic to anything I know.

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  11. Perry,

    How do you feel about sky diving lessons?

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  12. Ha! Beautiful! (My son thinks his ex tried to poison him...) As for skydiving, I used to be an instructor. Hey, maybe we can collaborate...

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  13. Linda,

    Perhaps this is a book that needs to be written, then. and now I know who to ask about skydiving.

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    1. Melanie,

      Loved this blog. Write the book. And loved the title.

      A Momamuous

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  14. Love the death by cheese idea! Needs to be a book, definitely.

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  15. Nicole

    Thanks. I might throw in some bacon.

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