Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Deceitful Swindlers

They all hate me and I know why. It is because of the dollar. That is why this morning on the way to work a deer sauntered across the road, flipping her tail in disdain. I slammed on my brakes. It would be just like one of them to hide in the bushes. Then, when I sped up after waiting for the first one to pass, the second would jump in front of the car before I could stop. I know how that game is played. The second would wail and moan and shake his leg in pathetic agony, the first would be the "witness," and a claim would be filed against my insurance company.

My car slowed to a turtle-crawl and inched by. Sure enough a disheveled teenager deer sneered from the bushes. I gritted my teeth and felt little satisfaction at having thwarted another attempt to harass me.

After finding out the deer were the ones stealing all my plants a few years back, (see Greedy, Malicious Marauders) I apologized to the few slugs still alive, and drove to the nursery to buy “deer resistant” plants. The lady sold me a bunch of green things in gallon containers and I plunked them into the ground--not even caring about the worms--satisfied I’d finally have some nice landscaping.

Apparently no one gave the deer the memo that they didn’t like the newly planted vegetation. Within days only nubs protruded from the earth.

Back to the store and home again with several rhododendrons and a butterfly bush. People assured me deer would not eat them. A few evenings later, I came out to water the four shrubs and saw a deer at the end of the driveway. Furious at the amount of time and money spent “feeding the deer,” I yelled at the miscreant. She jumped, turned huge, glazed eyes on me and lunged into the forested hillside. But as she made her leap, something fell. I padded up the driveway. A crumpled dollar bill fluttered on the asphalt.

Seriously. You’ll have to trust me on this. It was there. I stooped down and swiped it up, crumpling it in my hand and glanced up the hill. In the distance the frantic crashes as the deer plunged through the bracken faded.

My thought at the time was that a doe had just left me a buck, or maybe a buck had just left me some dough to help me recoup my losses. Later, when the harassment began, I realized they wanted it back.

They are not getting it.


  1. LOL, seriously cracking up over this blog post!

    We used to take it for granted that deer just ignored our property. That was before we hauled the dogs away for a weekend camping trip and came back to find every single flower in our yard had been devoured.

    So, uh...maybe dogs are the solution? But then you have a whole host of new problems. Like dog doo. And dog fur. And barking. And...


  2. Um...dogs? You mean dogs I purposely have or do you mean the coyotes? My neighbors have two small dogs. I made the mistake of playing fetch with them one day while I was watering. Now I find brand new tennis balls all over my driveway.

  3. Oh dear (pun almost intended), what is it with you and animals anyway? 0.o

  4. I have to admit we've not had a single deer in the backyard with da boyz out on the prowel. I'm sure the kits would LOVE to have a new scratch toy-- I mean brother or sister of the canine persuasion.

    And I'm with Tawana and Jens hilarious and punny!

  5. Jenku,

    It it wildlife. It just doesn't like me. I don't know why. It isn't as if I've ever hunted it, or anything.


    I do not want a dog. In fact, I never even wanted a cat. And now I have two. TWO! But that is another story.

  6. Ha! Whether it was a doe with a buck our a buck with dough, it made me smile!

  7. I'm glad to give you a smile, Portia.

  8. Ha! Love it. Thanks for giving me a laugh.

    BTW, I've heard the urine of carnivores is a good dear deterrent. So, if you eat a steak and then...well, you get my drift.

  9. *slaps forehead* Um, that should've been deer deterrent, of course. Though it might just be a dear deterrent, too.

  10. Linda G,

    Oh my gosh! I laughed and laughed. Yes, I would imagine peeing out in my yard would deter any dear, or deer thinking of paying me a visit. It might also provide the wrong type of entertainment for the neighbors, but hey, what is more important; a garden or neighbors?

  11. need a dog and lots of pee...

    fed ex will be delivering a package to you 1st thing in the morning....

    and now I can get new carpet!!! Exciting!!!

  12. Karen,

    No. I'm serious. No. Keep your FB(Fine Boy) Dog!


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