Deceitful Swindlers

They all hate me and I know why. It is because of the dollar. That is why this morning on the way to work a deer sauntered across the road, flipping her tail in disdain. I slammed on my brakes. It would be just like one of them to hide in the bushes. Then, when I sped up after waiting for the first one to pass, the second would jump in front of the car before I could stop. I know how that game is played. The second would wail and moan and shake his leg in pathetic agony, the first would be the "witness," and a claim would be filed against my insurance company.

My car slowed to a turtle-crawl and inched by. Sure enough a disheveled teenager deer sneered from the bushes. I gritted my teeth and felt little satisfaction at having thwarted another attempt to harass me.

After finding out the deer were the ones stealing all my plants a few years back, (see Greedy, Malicious Marauders) I apologized to the few slugs still alive, and drove to the nursery to buy “deer resistant” plants. The lady sold me a bunch of green things in gallon containers and I plunked them into the ground--not even caring about the worms--satisfied I’d finally have some nice landscaping.

Apparently no one gave the deer the memo that they didn’t like the newly planted vegetation. Within days only nubs protruded from the earth.

Back to the store and home again with several rhododendrons and a butterfly bush. People assured me deer would not eat them. A few evenings later, I came out to water the four shrubs and saw a deer at the end of the driveway. Furious at the amount of time and money spent “feeding the deer,” I yelled at the miscreant. She jumped, turned huge, glazed eyes on me and lunged into the forested hillside. But as she made her leap, something fell. I padded up the driveway. A crumpled dollar bill fluttered on the asphalt.

Seriously. You’ll have to trust me on this. It was there. I stooped down and swiped it up, crumpling it in my hand and glanced up the hill. In the distance the frantic crashes as the deer plunged through the bracken faded.

My thought at the time was that a doe had just left me a buck, or maybe a buck had just left me some dough to help me recoup my losses. Later, when the harassment began, I realized they wanted it back.

They are not getting it.